Sweet dreams....or a nightmare?

I haven't decided which yet! My children, the loves of my heart and pains in my neck all rolled into one, are both, yes...BOTH gone to camp this week. It's my son's gazillionth trip and he packed like the seasoned pro he is: at the last minute, nothing labelled because he knows what he's taking, and with that teenage attitude of "eh, whatever" that he adopts when he's confident of what he's doing. It is my daughter's first trip, one she has been counting down the days to for, oh, about 4 years now! She has been a bug up my keister for the last week, driving me crazy about packing: what to pack, how to pack, did we get this, should she take that, what about snacks, what about extra pants, what about time to change between classes... O. M. G. I totally understand where she's coming from because we all know I love a list... but yowza. She was packed a full 2 days prior to the trip. My son was still pulling stuff out yesterday. At this point the busses are halfway there and I'm praying he remembered to pack pjs! :/

I love that they are able to go, and that we are able to afford to send them. God Himself knows the BeachBum household has come close to living in a cardboard box on the beach (and not by choice - I'd rather build a tiki hut, thank you!) more than a few times the last couple years.

I'm excited that they are going, time to make new friends and enjoy being away from home a bit. Time to spread their wings a little and become those bright young adults they are on their way to becoming.

However, it also reminds me that in just 4 wink-of-an-eye years, my oldest will be heading off to college. And that I only have about 8 more years with my little one. Sure, to those of you without kids that seems like a lifetime I'm sure, but omigosh, I can't believe my oldest is almost 15. He should be in diapers and terrified of the scene in 101 Dalmations where the puppies are kidnapped still! He would scream and cry every time the Dearly's would put Pongo and Perdita on their leashes for that fateful evening walk. Our VHS tape (yes I'm showing my age) probably won't even run with the puppy abduction scene anymore, we fast-forwarded through it so many times!

My house is so quiet. I was going to clean, but maybe I'll leave it messy to remind me of my kiddos until they come back home again!

Isn't life grand? And yet, isn't it crazy?

Here I am, another month or two gone before I remember that I do have a blog that I'm trying to maintain. I don't know why I forget. I suppose for the same reason I forget the journals I'm keeping for my kids. I usually get about one entry a month. I suppose that's ok, it will certainly be interesting reading once they are grown since it won't be the everyday, mundane "you ate, you slept" type stuff. I'd like to do better, really I would. Some days I think the OCD has given way to ADD and I just can't remember my own name. LOL

Things are going well for the most part for my family. I got a job. I got another job. I quit the first job because the second job was offering more hours and better money. C'est la vie. The husband got a job, praise Jesus! It's a huge pay cut. Huge. Enormous. Gigantic. But it's day shift, and he only works about 45 hours a week. This means we see him in the mornings, we see him in the afternoons, he is home with us at night, and he has every other weekend off. I forgot how much I enjoyed his company. (no, really I didn't...but it's one of those things that for the last few years I've told myself we could do it, seeing him a few hours on Saturday was enough... yeah, I lied. A lot.)

I'm working 3 days a week, which often feels more like 7 days a week! My days aren't full of manual labor, but my job is very mentally intensive. I have to focus my mind and all my attentions on my patients and what they did, will do, and need to do. Once my shift is over, it becomes all about the paperwork. I'm finding that the problem with the whole insurance debacle is not fraud, it's the insurance companies contracting out the work, and so the poor patients are paying the insurance company and the contractor ...neither of which care what the patient could do before or wants to do after. Gah. And none of the contractors are in the USA, which means we spend hours upon hours of time trying to speak with someone that doesn't speak English as a native language, over stupid things like why my patient that had a stroke and rotator cuff surgery needs to come more than 4 visits!!

I digress. (see, ADD. I'm telling you.)

(but self diagnosis is bad.)

I'm going to try and get more organized now that I'm at a regular job with regular (hah!) hours, and things are sort of simmering down. Which hopefully means more time for introspection and working on myself too.

In the words of my 8 year old daughter... peace, love, and hope, dudes!

Rest... Just rest..

A very special friend to me gave me a book a few months ago. And while I've been slowly working my way through it (very hit and miss, I must admit!) I decided a few days ago that I needed to combine the messages in the book with my Bible reading. The book is called Jesus Calling and it's written by Sarah Young. It's a good little devotional book, and I've really enjoyed reading the parts of it that I have. However I've been really lackadaisical about it, and I think, like any other learning, studying on the words is required.

The commentary for today focuses on Matthew 11:28-29, as well as 1 Timothy 2:8. I prefer a King James bible. I know there are plenty of people out there that say it's too hard to read, too hard to understand. To that, all I have to say is that God will bless you with knowledge and understanding of His word. My children have been reading Bible verses in our Sunday school class from birth out of a King James bible and I truly think that is one of many reasons why they read so far above their age levels.

I digress.

My bible at home is one of my old ones...one of those that I was scared to carry around any more because it was starting to fall apart. Perfectly good for use at home, but not so great if the guts all fall out somewhere between here and my destination. There are notes everywhere, in margins and in the back... scriptures are underlined, boxed, highlighted.  As I opened the bible to the Book of Matthew, I see that today's scripture has already been brought to my attention in the past, with a huge black box drawn around verses 28-30.

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

The second scripture reads:
I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.

HE will give us rest. Not others of the world. He also offers us up His yoke, and to take upon ours. This reminds me that He never promised us an easy path, in fact, He tells us that we will be burdened and will labor throughout our days. He also gives us the gift of prayer.  That we might come to him with an open mind and spirit, lifting up our hands in prayer.

The last few years of my life have been difficult, and the last few weeks the worst of the worst. I've been reminded that my only true friend is Jesus and that this world is not my home. I have far better things awaiting me than what I have found in this world. I've also been reminded that He gives me  burdens, but He is also there to help carry them. He has forgiven me of my sins, and so I should forgive others of their sins against me in the same manner. I should not harbor anger against them, or even hurt feelings. Letting Him bear my burdens carries me much farther than holding onto them myself, being a martyr, or holding anger against those that hurt me.

Prayer doesn't change things,but prayer changes me.

Reflections

As I finally come down off this latest mountain that we call life, I have to stop and take a moment to evaluate where I have been, where I am right-this-minute, and where I am going.

I pray. I pray a lot. Life has never been what I would consider easy. It's had many hardships, but it's also had a few joys. I guess I'm just not one of those people that makes a point to say "oh, poor me" and to make sure everyone knows about how traumatic my life has been. It was what it was, I sucked it up, and I moved on.

One of the things I pray on a regular basis is that I may become a better person: a better wife, a better daughter, a better mom, a better friend. I feel I have to put a disclaimer out there that I'm not necessarily a BAD any of those things...I just think we can all strive to better ourselves for the benefit of others in our lives.

What I've found in the last few years, now that I've had time to relax and just think is that there are people that say they want the best for you...and they mean it. I've got a specific friend in mind when I say this. While we kept in touch, so to speak, we haven't been close in a while. In fact the last year, I probably only talked to her sporadically. I love her dearly. I got a lovely text message from her the night before my exam and we've been back to "normal" ever since. Then there are the people that say they want the best for you, but what they really want is to see you fail. It's as if they are waiting...waiting...waiting to drag you down in the pits with them. And the more you succeed, the more distant they become. And while I try, I've reached the point that I cannot be the one to constantly ask "are you ok?" "Can I help?" "What can I do?" Sometimes you just have to suck it, and move on. And yet, somehow, I end up the bad guy? (don't get me wrong, I didn't actually SAY suck it up and move on...I just wanted to really bad.)

And so here I am, thinking I have a lot of friends. I have another dear friend who told me just a few short weeks ago that I was going to find out that there are friends...TRUE friends...and then there are acquaintances. I'm finding that out. It's time to move on, and be grown ups. And those folks that want to point out my every flaw, point out every mistake in every move I make, will just have to suck it up and move on....or be left behind.

But that said...I spent a few hours this evening with 2 dear friends. Both I gained during school, and both will continue to be a strong part in my lives in the years to come. And that's all the motivation I need to keep moving forward...one foot at a time.

So now what....?

Let's see.
Go back to school. Check.
Get into the physical therapist assistant program. Check.
SURVIVE. Check. (well mostly. Marriage/family ok, lost some "friends" along the way but they can kiss my ass.)
Graduate. Check.
Pass national licensure exam. Check.

I feel like I'm at a standstill. Life has been so crazy nuts, 100 mph, non-stop since 2009 that I don't know what to do with down time. Even when I was out of school for the summer, I worked full time. This is weird.

I've submitted 3 applications. I think. One interview scheduled this week, but it's sort of a wishy washy location. They've strung a few of the other applicants along since December so I'm really not holding my breath. Plus, it's a long drive from my house, no benefits, so I'm not really sure I *want* it. But gotta start somewhere.

In the meantime, I guess it's back to folding laundry.

Back on the bandwagon..

So... it's not the first day of the year, and it's not even the first day of the week...but it's time for a first day for me. I'm determined to do better right now. I've given up on doing better this week, or even today...because one thing I've found is that I have absolutely no willpower and frankly, most days I don't seem to care as much as I should.

I've dropped another pant size, which is great...so I bought a pair of 'non fat girl' jeans, in my new size, without stretching fabric or a stretchy waist, in the MIDDLE OF THE HOLIDAYS. So yeah, they aren't a perfect fit. I can wear them, I can be comfortble in them, I just can't eat much while I'm wearing them if I want to breathe. I want to (what's the oppposite of outgrow??) undergrow them. :D

So....with prayer and plenty to do, I hope to move past this slump I'm in.

I scheduled my license exam. This means I also need to get back on the bandwagon of studying and refresh on some of the stuff I've forgotten. (which unfortunately, the more I read, the more I remember that I used to know but have now forgotten.)

Off to a good start so far anyway! On to the next project!